My name is foodbitch, and I fucking love Thanksgiving. But in the past few years, I’ve had to put my love for the food-based holiday on the proverbial (and somewhat literal) back burner after having twin foodbabies and taking trips to visit family over the holidays. I love my children, and I adore my family, but the actual food-eating that occurred since Thanksgiving 2012 has been sub-fucking-standard. And I’m not joking around, either. There was one year where there was NO. PUMPKIN. PIE. Like, none. Let that sink in for a second. Not, like, as in someone-used-canned-pumpkin-and-that-shit-is-actually-winter-squash, but as in nobody brought or made any sort of pumpkin pie. At all. SMH. Another year? No green bean casserole. I was in New Jersey. It was like they didn’t even know what it WAS. They were making healthy shit, and, even worse, gluten-free shit. It was like a scene from a nightmare, only I couldn’t scream because my family thinks I am a nice person. Long story short, this year I am declaring myself Tycoon of all Turkey, the Grand Poobah of Plymouth Rock and the Overlord of the Oven. Move over, I’m taking back Thanksgiving.

And since cooking is super therapeutic, and I’m obviously a little bit stressed out, let’s effing do this. Check out a sampling of recipes from this year’s holiday menu, you guys!

“Give ‘Em All The Bird” Brined Turkey
As salty as all my tears from the past three years. Throw one finger up; I’m in charge now.

Smashed Potatoes
As in, I will be smashed while I make them.

See You Next Tuesday-old Rye Bread Stuffing
Adapted from a 2003-era Rachael Ray recipe. I ain’t ashamed. What.

Sweet and Savory Cranberry Sauce
It doesn’t contain orange or cinnamon and it’s sure as shit never seen the inside of a can. If you want that jelly shit, bring your own. This one tastes amazing and is gone by the end of the night.

Corny Dump Cake
It’s technically more of a corn casserole, but since all you do is dump a bunch of fattening shit into a casserole dish, stir and bake until delicious, I’m calling it a dump cake. Because bitches like me like to say dump cake.

Scratch Pumpkin Pie
As in, take the last slice and I’ll scratch your eyes out like a feral cat.

Green Bean Casseroll Over and Take It
My food bastard husband hates that shit. Ask me if I care.

No BS Brussels Sprouts
Aw, you don’t like Brussels sprouts? Welp, you’re wrong. You probably just haven’t had any good ones. If my twin toddlers love them, you can love them too.

All the wine
Notice I said W-I-N-E, not W-H-I-N-E. As in plenty of one, and absolutely none of the other. Quit yer bitchin’ and eat your food. I will allow football, if it keeps you quiet so I can eat all the delicious food I made. Foodbitch Thanksgiving 2015! F Yeah!

Cheers!

Interested in the recipes associated with the above menu? Oh they’re very real. Check out my Thanksgiving-themed Pinterest board, appropriately titled Thanksgiving, Let’s Make Out. And feel free to follow along on Instagram as I host this year’s Thanks-not-giving-a-fuck feast at my own home.